Some more questions & answers…

Still watching TAR:AS? Yup. I’m rooting for Cha3 (aka Danny & Oswald) & my Blondes. I’m shocked & appalled that Schmirna is still in the race & prospering, as I would’ve much preferred my “villains” to be the Guidos or Teri & Ian. Cha3 & my Blondes more than make up for that, however, as they are both teams that are entertaining to watch & easy to root for, ’cause they are such strong racers with good personalities.

Still watching The Apprentice? Sure, although I really think that the show’s concept is played out. The changes made by The Donald for this go-around (LA, tent city, no Carolyn or George, winning PM as 2nd boardroom viceroy…) have not panned out. The showmance between Tim & Nicole was only vaguely interesting. And The Donald’s penchant for bending his own rules (ala this past week’s change from firing a team of 2 to firing 1 from each of the 2 bottom teams) is just annoying. After 6 seasons, The Donald’s oft capricious actions are not as entertainingly endearing as they once were.

Still watching Survivor? Of course. The current installment is certainly not the best/most interesting that they’ve ever broadcast, but it’s still fun to watch. I think they’d be better off if they stopped stunt-casting for some preconceived notions of “diversity” and focused on getting folks who love & want to play the game, though…

Still depressed? Eh. It’s up & down. It’s downright bizarre at times to be aware on a logical plane that I’m mired in a dysfunctional mindset, and to know that I should do something about it (even what I should do to fight/stop it…), but to be ultimately unable to just, you know, do it. It really adds to the whole mix & makes it snowball even more. As pretentious as it sounds, sometimes being too aware is just flat out worse than not being aware at all.

Surely church helps, no? Well, yes, ultimately. I do, however, feel very aware of Satan’s influence in trying to get me to dwell too much on the fact that I’m a hopeless sinner. I.e., focus on the fact that I cannot effect my own salvation, so why even try. The good thing is that, even at the worst, God is gracious enough to never leave me to my own devices – He always keeps that seed of faith alive in me so that I don’t totally succumb to the despair sowed by the enemy. So, even as it’s always a struggle, I’m fully safe & comforted in the knowledge that God will allow me to prevail through His grace.

How are the wife/kids? Good. A sizable part of what keeps me going is that I know that I have vocational responsibilities as husband/father. Even as I might despair at my ability to successfully execute those vocations, I know that I must keep trying, and that God will use even my feeble efforts for the good of my beloved family. I thank God every day for the blessing of my family and the fact that they love me even though I so often feel like a failure.

Getting things done? I’m trying to still get that properly systematized & implemented. I can see that the structure that GTD affords/encourages is something that will benefit me in the hopefully not-so-distant future. It’s tough, though, because keeping track of things doesn’t equal actually doing them. And there’s an awful lot that I don’t necessarily want/like to do. It sucks how life is like that…

Gonna keep blogging? Certainly. Even when I’m in a phase right now of wondering why I keep such close tabs on traffic/hits/readership stats. It’s a useful outlet for me, even though I can’t be quite as forthright as I sometimes want to be (for example, I try not to blog about work, because I’m a bit paranoid about there somehow being negative blowback from entries dealing with how I feel about work…). I struggle with the “why” of doing this sometimes, particularly WRT theology. I want to be useful/helpful, even as I also want to selfishly show how obviously smart & learned I am. The thing is, when I get too far into the selfish motivational side of things, I tend to worry about stats & I get easily frustrated. I don’t ever want to write something just because I think it’ll somehow get more people to read. Ultimately, I just want to write what interests me, and what I feel like writing, and then just be satisfied with what happens in terms of stats/traffic/readership. Oh yeah, and make big sis giggle…

That’s enough for now. Time to start preparing for tonight’s AI presentation of “Sanjy on the block”…

-ghp

-ghp

Read this thread at LutherQuest for some details.

They’ve struggled with the factors that drove them to shut things down for good before (as I recall the “sabbatical” from a year or so ago…), so this isn’t completely surprising to me.

It does, however, leave me conflicted. And, I must be honest, it angers me. I think they’ve copped out a bit. I think the argument that blogging and/or the internet is a “black hole” is disingenuous at worst and wrong-headed at best. Neither do I think that the vocation-based argument is all that valid.

I just wanted to get this entry out, as both a statement of thanks for the good that Beggars All did in the blogosphere, and as an expression of my immediate/raw reaction to its demise.

It’s a damn shame.

It’s possible that I’ll more fully develop my thoughts, particularly if there are any comments that warrant such efforts. But it’s also possible that I won’t.

‘Cause, after all, I’m just a softie who blogs about inconsequential stuff like realitytv & other stuff that merely interests me…

Feh.

-ghp

Granted, I’m not in an overly depressive state of mind. The melancholia doesn’t have me that mired down (yet). I’ve just been in a dangerously contemplative state of mind. Not really dissatisfied with my lot in life, but neither all that satisfied. If you know what I mean (and I know you do, big sis…). Work is, well, work. It’s not easy. It’s not fun. It’s hard slogging through. I know that I”m not always doing things the right way, either in work arena, or in the personal arena (not the least of which is taking care of myself, fat, lazy, undisciplined schlub that I am…). It’s times like these where I am completely overwhelmed by identifying with that described by Paul in Romans 7:19.

I know some things that I need to do. I just need to get to doing them.

Even so, I know that I cannot do it all myself. The urge to take it all on me & my own actions is palpable & nearly overwhelming. Even as I despair in the assured failure of my inadequacies, I still feel compelled to repeatedly say to myself, “Self, not only can you do it all yourself, you must do it all yourself – it’s all about you & your willpower/gumption/fortitude!” It’s a vicious circle of wallowing in my own wretchedness…

Thankfully, Jesus doesn’t let me wallow & fester in that sinful morass. He grabs me. He cleans me. He daily reminds me of that day in January 1968 when He made me His own through water & the Word. He beckons me to the comfort that is found at the foot of His cross.

He gives me rest.

He won’t let me forget.

He will never abandon me.

He loves me.

He allows & enables me to trust.

He will gather me home.

Amen.

-ghp

Why is it that whenever something goes wrong in a person’s life or the life of a family, the first instinct even of Christians is to say, “You need to get some counseling” meaning, “You need to get therapy.”

The devil is outraged by absolution and the Lord’s Supper, basically, by the grace of God. He cannot stand to see Christians rejoicing in God’s grace or receiving absolution or forgiveness in the Lord’s Supper.

These quotes come from two recent posts by Rev. Beisel over at One Lutheran… Ablog!. These posts are quite good, and amazingly well-related (I’m not sure if Pr. Beisel intended the linkage, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he did, ’cause he’s good…).

I think that the second quote is a source reason for the first. More simply put, Satan attempts to drive us from the foot of the cross by convincing us that our problems are not a matter of our sinfulness, and, thus, confession & absolution aren’t needed; rather, we need to turn the focus inward onto what we can do to heal ourselves.

That’s not to say that many problems (say, mental illness) aren’t physical/medical, mind you — to do that would be foolishly ignorant. It’s more accurate to state, however, that we are constantly tempted to deflect the source of the problem away from ourselves at the same time that we try to usurp the authority to fix the problem.

C&A works. It’s God’s gift to us, because He loves us. Satan cannot abide that, and must try to subvert it by keeping us from it. Unfortunately, he’s been all too successful, as proven by the dearth of individual C&A in our congregations, and the number of worship services that have jettisoned even the corporate C&A.

-ghp

I’ve been in a particularly wretched mood today. The kind of a day & mood when every little thing is a struggle, even (especially?) when you know that it’s something that needs to be done. Going to church was a struggle, where only my obligation to “elder” was enough to get me there (though it wasn’t enough for me to properly execute my vocation as head-of-household, but like I said, it wasn’t the best of days…). The LORD more than made it worthwhile, graciously serving me with His gracious gifts via a faithful undershepherd’s execution of TLH p.15. There was also a reminder of how God gives us opportunities to serve our neighbors. Despite all that good stuff, I still felt Satan nipping at my heels…

Even as I was stuck in the wretched mood of, let’s be honest, despair, I still had a certain sense of detachment in which I was able to analyze it. To be honest, I wasn’t all that happy about the detachment, as it fed somewhat back into the loop, adding some feelings of guilt. It’s just how I am. But I digress…

My analysis was this: Perhaps the worst part of despair is that it is so selfish. At its worst, despair can drive someone to think/believe that others would be better off without them – we’ve heard/read examples of this time & time again. It’s almost always not true. In point of fact, however, that is merely selfish window dressing – it’s sin in the form of trying to rationalize a way to stop one’s own pain. Acting out of despair inevitably causes more pain that could ever be imagined. It ends up destroying not only the individual, but also those around the individual. That’s gotta be why it’s such a favorite tool of Satan.

Goodness knows that I eagerly anticipate God calling me home, for I am secure in the hope that Christ won for me on the cross. There are days where I struggle with what faces me in this life. And I don’t even have that difficult of a life… I’ve been incredibly blessed, but sin has a way of insinuating itself into the very fabric of our being, such that we willingly lose sight of that which God has so graciously given us.

The Psalms are a wonderful source of strength & solace during times of despair. They contain such powerful descriptions of joy & despair that it’s impossible not to find comfort in them. The Psalmist obviously felt the same type of almost manic highs & lows as I/we do. During moods like today’s, I can almost feel the old & new Adams in me battle in hand-to-hand combat. In the same thought, I can go from heart-bursting joy in God’s love for me (“Christ died that I might live” , shouts the new Adam) to soul-crushing guilt from being such a weak & cravenly selfish creature (“How dare I be so ungrateful in the face of God’s gracious Will – I’ll never be worthy!” retorts the old Adam).

I’m about done with trying to reasonably articulate all this right now. I’ll close by saying that I think one way out of funks like that which hit me today is to try to, in whatever small way possible, focus on helping someone else. One of Satan’s greatest tactics is getting us to turn ever more inward. God put us here to serve our neighbors.

Isolation is never a truly good thing. May God bless me by helping me to always understand that.

-ghp
(who, at the moment, is feeling better…)

I think that a better word for the self-indulgent blather that I’m spewing forth at the moment is: blahgging

Blahgging is more about cheap therapy for the blahgger than it is actual value for the reader. Sad but true.

You’ve been warned…

Now, as I’ve stated in the past, I can be moody even on the best of days. I’ve joked that the gene pool from which I sprang could’ve used a bit more chlorine (right big sis?). In a great many ways, I don’t come from, shall we say, the most emotionally and/or psychologically stable stock. I come from a long line of people who’ve been known to fall into “deep blue funks”/melancholia/depression/insert-your-favorite-term-here. It’s not all bad, mind you, as there’s some really good stuff that’s also in the mix, and God knows that we (big sis & I) didn’t get the worst of the genetic cocktails out of all our cousins (did we sis?). Because, at the very least, God saw fit to give us parents who were the respective best “products” of their families. The same is true wrt our grandparents (which is pretty scary when you consider one of the four, isn’t it sis? ). So, I try not to complain or feel too sorry for myself. I don’t always succeed, but I try nonetheless…

That said, I’ve been in a bit of a trough the past few days. More specifically, I’ve been struggling with my recurring feelings of “impending doom” — where I don’t have any specific fear(s), and I logically/objectively know that there’s nothing bad about to happen to me, but I still have the vague worries & fear of that “impending doom”. Hopefully, writing about it will help pull me out of it sooner…

So, that’s a major reason why I haven’t been blogging, even though in my head there are a lot of things that I want to write about. I just need to work through this strange, psycho-emotional, writer’s block.

Another factor is that, for no good objective reason, I’m feeling the need to investigate options other than WordPress for powering my blog. As good as WP is, it will not be able to easily/elegantly/or-even-possibly serve as the engine for a project that I have in mind. I think I want to develop something that enable me to host several blogs in a more coherent & easy to administer fashion, along with things like having a document storage & download area — sort of like a confessional lutheran blog & reading room. The thing is, that means that I have to evaluate & settle on a CMS-type application option that strikes the balance between all the functionality I want and all the ease of administration that I (to be quite honest) need.

I promise to try and be more constructive in the very near future, such that I cease blahgging & return to blogging…

-ghp

Now, I’m prone to bouts of melancholy myself, and while I’m not a brother of FatherDMJ’s in the OHM, I am a brother in Christ. It is in that context that I daresay that I feel his pain. I’ve observed many of the same trends (particularly a certain fascination with EO in some Lutheran circles) that he notes, and I find them equally as distressing. He is most certainly in my prayers (as are all the faithful pastors who are suffering under the onslaught of heterodoxy in today’s “Ablaze!” LCMS!), as we need more faithful undershepherds like him around, not fewer. Please include them all in your prayers as well, that God’s good will be done, as that is what will benefit us all the most.

The robust comment threads are also quite interesting, and make a visit to FatherDMJ’s even better than a Martha Stewart-esque “Good Thing.”

-ghp�

Taking the second one first, I’m saddened because these folks are not only “good people,” they’re also newlyweds. While I’m extremely worried, I’m also heartened because I know that they have been blessed with a solid faith in Christ that will sustain them. What’s even sadder is that the husband, a very solid & faithful undershepherd, is (quite rightly) having to resign his Call in order to accompany his wife to another part of the country, where she’ll receive her treatments. I’m blown away by his integrity and his willingness to honor the vocation that he has as husband — it shouldn’t shock me (and on a certain level it doesn’t), but it certainly goes against the grain as far as to how we’ve been conditioned in our “modern” society. They will both be in my prayers, and I ask that you include them in yours as well.

As for my friend & co-worker, well her passing deeply saddened me on several levels. She was like a big sister to me. I will miss her tremendously, as will anyone who ever came into contact with her. She fought a brave, courageous fight against a horribly insidious disease, and (with the help of doctors & nurses who executed their vocations both well and honorably) kept it at bay for 3 years. In the end, sin, as it always will prior to the Second Coming, won this battle against earthly flesh. But the fight, and her courageous attitude, served as a sterling example – one that was, IMO, informed by her faith in God.

Her faith. She was a member of the Church of Rome, although we had enough conversations about faith & things theological for me to think/believe that she was one of those folks who are Lutheran even if they don’t know it. IOW, she was (to the best that I could ascertain from her own words) a Christian.

However, she still attended/belonged to the Church of Rome, and that meant that there was a Roman Funeral Mass. This Mass, my friends, was (and continues to be) a depressing thing for me. I am having such a difficult time processing just how they can one one hand state that the deceased is safe in/with God because of their Baptism, but, on the other hand, they are needful of our prayers in which we supplicate God on the deceased’s behalf, and to count the deceased’s good works as proof that they deserve entry into Heaven — Indeed, that they be given the full credit & status due their good works! My friend was, indeed, a good person — one of the sweetest, most caring & selfless people I’ve ever known. If my salvation were to depend on my being as “good” as she was, even that would be enough to send me into despair, for there is no way I can ever measure up. There was, I’m sad to say, precious little Gospel in the homily. Jesus was mentioned a few times, as was His death & resurrection, but the more prevalent message of/for comfort was the example of caring & good works left by the deceased.

Even the Gospel reading (Matt 25:1-13 — The Ten Sleeping Virgins) was bent to fit this metaphor, with the oil in the lamps representing (according to this Priest) good works – i.e., the 5 wise virgins were saved by their abundance of good works, while the 5 foolish virgins were left wanting due to the paucity of their good works. Again, not too comforting upon more sober reflection.

As I’ve been working to process all of my feelings about this, one thought that I’ve had relates to the veracity of the Latin phrase lex orandi, lex credendi (i.e., “What is prayed/done is what is believed.” or, more directly, there is a direct reciprocal relationship between doctrine & practice…). It makes perfect sense that Rome has gone the way of the laity being hyper-involved in the conduct of the service (e.g., the Readings, prayers, singing/song leading, Eucharist distribution, etc…), for if one’s works are to be counted in one’s eternal favor, than it becomes a necessity to make such opportunities a part of the service — to do otherwise would be risking folks’ eternal well-being. Works righteousness informs the practice that the Eucharist is a sacrifice offered by man to God, instead of the Sacrament given by God to man for his/our benefit. It makes acceptable the inclusion of songs like “On Eagle’s Wings” & “The Wind Beneath My Wings” in the service, in all their treacly glory. It allows the works of man to be the source & point of comfort, rather than the suffering & death of Christ on the cross.

It all makes perfect sense. Perfectly horrible sense that is not comforting in the least.

Nope, what I had demonstrated to me, indeed what has battered me about the heart & soul, was a lesson proving the fact that worship “style” is not merely a matter of indifference, open to any & every interpretation. No, it is most certainly a matter of tremendous significance, as words, rites, and actions all have great bearing on what is actually being done in church. While a non-liturgical “worship” service is at least theoretically able to be focused on what God does for us, it’s tough enough to do, at least when compared to the Divine Service that’s based on the Historic Liturgy, that we ought to steer clear of such innovations. Tradition is not an arbiter on par with Scripture. It is, however, something that can be normed against Scripture (and Confessions), such that it relieves us from the burden & temptation of unnecessary or ill-advised innovations.

-ghp